Losing a pregnancy is one of the hardest things someone can go through. And unless you’ve experienced this yourself, it’s impossible to fully understand what a miscarriage looks like.
An estimate 15% to 20% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. This can lead to feelings of guilt, extreme sadness, and anger. Pregnancy loss can make daily functioning difficult and involves hormonal surges, a physical healing process, and a need to regroup mentally.
Each person is unique in their way of grieving, but there are a few things that have worked over the years for those who have experienced pregnancy loss. Here are some ways to take care of yourself after a miscarriage:
Redefine self-care
There’s sure to be yoga, candlelit baths, and mani/pedis. But sometimes getting through grief means giving up the perfect vision of taking care of yourself and doing what really makes you feel good.
“There are some days when the water feels so high above your head that it’s impossible to breathe. It’s okay to drink wine, lock yourself in the closet and cry hysterically,” said Rena Ejiogu, author of “However We Can: A Shameless Journey Toward Motherhood.”
“After getting the news of a third loss, my husband and I went straight from the OB-GYN to Shake Shack and got all the jobs,” said Nikole Flores Savage, a public relations professional in Miami. “That helped!”
Nadine Courtney, a writer from Santa Monica, California, said she “got drunk all six seasons of ‘The Americans’ and ate my weight in chocolate.”
write your feelings
After her third miscarriage, Amy Tangerine, author “Making Memories,” He turned to the journal.
“Writing the words helped me process and slowly realize that it wasn’t my fault or my body’s,” Tangerine said. “Nature knows better than us sometimes, and it’s okay to write in big letters, ‘This really sucks and it’s totally unfair.'”
Kailey Crymer, a public relations consultant in Bucks County, Pennsylvania, started a blog, Stillborn still strongto cope with the loss of her son. “I was able to heal by being vulnerable with complete strangers, most of whom could relate to what was going on with their own losses,” she said.
Find people who understand what you’re going through
Connecting with others who have experienced this type of loss can be very healing.
“Knowing you’re not alone, learning how other people are dealing with this pain, and having someone to connect with during particularly difficult times is powerful,” she said. Sarah Levine-Milesa licensed clinical social worker and perinatal psychotherapist.
She suggested looking into Facebook groups on pregnancy loss and turning to resources like International postpartum support, mother figure maternity wellness directory or a local group recommended by your medical provider. You can also make an appointment with a professional grief counselor or therapist who can help you work through it.
Set limits
“Loved ones, no matter how much they care and try, can be hurtful with comments and advice,” said Dr. lora shahinereproductive endocrinologist at Pacific Northwest Fertility in the Seattle area.
She suggested surrounding yourself with people who cheer you on, turning down invitations to baby showers and taking a break from social media or muting friends who post all about your baby bump or gender reveal parties.
“You need time to heal, and boundaries can protect you during that important time you need,” he added.
Evgeny Tchebotarev via Getty Images
Don’t push through the pain
Don’t force yourself to return to normal too quickly. “It’s important to remember that it’s not just your physical health that matters during a pregnancy loss, but your mental health may also be suffering during this time,” said Matt Grammar, licensed therapist and founder of Kentucky Counseling Center.
And those who lose a pregnancy must go through major hormonal changes, which can lead to a roller coaster of emotions. “Being patient with yourself during these changes can help you start to heal,” Grammar added.
Let go of expectations around productivity and what you “should” be doing. “Take time to listen to your body, sleep, and slow down,” Levine-Miles explained. “Accept offers from friends and family to help around the house or with other children.”
welcome any distraction
“Ultimately, it is recommended that you process your loss to achieve some healing. However, immediately after a pregnancy loss, distraction may be in your best interest,” she said. Karen Balumbu-Bennetta licensed clinical social worker based in Los Angeles who is certified in perimental health.
So go ahead and lose yourself in a new podcast or audiobook or enjoy the latest streaming series. Bonus points if you can find something light-hearted that makes you laugh, or revisit a childhood favorite. “Watch movies or TV shows that don’t focus on family, parenting, or loss…basically avoid content that’s provocative,” Balumbu-Bennett said.
Let yourself off the hook
Self-blame can be common after a miscarriage. But medical professionals are quick to point out that pregnancy loss is It’s not the expectant person’s fault.
“Clear your mind of any self-blame. You did nothing wrong, he said catherine burtonmarriage and family therapist in Southlake, Texas.
Sixty percent of miscarriages are said to be caused by abnormal chromosome fusion during fertilization, which is something you and your partner have no control over. And, in many cases, doctors can’t find the cause. So having a stressful day, accidentally eating something on the “don’t eat during pregnancy” list, or exercising too much didn’t cause your loss.
talk about it
“If you don’t tell the people closest to you, they can’t be there for you when you’re grieving,” White said.
This approach was beneficial to Holtz. “I needed to talk about my experience and share it with those who were willing to pay attention to me,” she said. “In doing so, I found support from the most unexpected people.”
The openness also helped her realize how many people have also experienced loss. “While it didn’t necessarily lessen my emotional pain, it was healing to see others who had been through the same thing persevere,” Holtz explained.
If words are hard to say, White suggested delegating communication to someone, like your partner or best friend, who can get the word out to people you want to meet, but might not feel comfortable telling yourself.
Addictive stock / Rafa Cortés via Getty Images
Find rituals of remembrance or closure
“My biggest fear after my own loss was that people would forget about my baby,” said Ellen Holtz, a ESTATE grief coordinator who has experienced her own pregnancy loss. “While I don’t have many tangible memories, an ultrasound image and a copy of her fingerprints is all I have, she is no less the daughter I loved and cherished from the moment of her conception.”
She and her family planted a small garden in memory of her lost baby.
JJ Barnes, a 36-year-old writer from the UK, buried the cards she was given and the things she bought for the baby and planted a bush on top.
“I didn’t have a baby to bury after my miscarriage, but I felt like I needed closure and a proper goodbye,” she explained. “It gave me the opportunity to put her to rest.”
acknowledge your feelings
“Some people will tell you totally useless things: ‘At least the miscarriage was early,’ ‘You can try again,’ ‘At least you know you can get pregnant,'” said Dr. Kate White, author of “Your Guide to Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss.” “They mean well, but statements like these can make you feel like your pregnancy loss is something you should be getting over.”
Pregnancy loss, White added, is a life-changing event for many people: “You’re not just losing an eight-day, eight-week, or eight-month pregnancy; you are losing all the hopes and dreams you had for this future baby.”
So, validate that it’s okay to be completely devastated and that it will take time to feel better.
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