sex is simultaneously one of the most and least discussed topics in western culture. Pervasive images lead us to believe that everyone should have and want sex, but there is little public discussion about the best ways to have it. sexor what people I really wish. Even everyone is supposed to want to have sex. One thing is clear: everyone who wants to have sex should enjoy it. So is it possible to train or practice for sex?
According to intimacy coaches jennelle gordon, Kristen O’Guin, Y ross weaver, there are many ways to prepare your body – and mind – for better sex. And surprisingly, many of them are rated quite highly.
7. Talk openly and honestly about sex
The first step to getting better at anything is to understand it better, and talking can be a great starting point. Especially with new couples, having a conversation is the gateway to better sex.
“The best thing I would recommend to people is to start being realistic about their intimacy and sex with themselves, like starting to have these conversations and dialogues,” says Gordon. Reverse.
Some questions you suggest:
- What do I know about sex?
- Where did I learn this?
- Do I understand the anatomy of my body? (In that sense, I strongly recommend that you check your vagina with a hand mirror.)
- Have I been honest about any trauma or pain I have experienced or any complexes or dogmas that have been imposed on me in relation to sex?
“When [people] start asking yourself these questions, you’ll see there’s a tsunami of things that you have to unpack before you can even get started,” she says.
Gordon emphasizes that this is an ongoing conversation. Acknowledging and processing trauma, in particular, is a process. Also, talking about sex is a critical first step in aligning yourself mentally and emotionally. “That’s why I say we have to start with just the definition,” she says. “Mechanics are pretty useless if you don’t have a canvas to work with.”
6. Get out of your own head
“Pressure is one of the biggest turnoffs,” says Weaver. One can feel a lot of pressure during sex: to have an orgasm, to make your partner have an orgasm, to stay committed all the time.
A great way to release tension and immerse yourself in your body so that you are not wrapped up in your thoughts is through meditation and breathing exercises.
Here are some from O’Guin and Weaver:
- Count your breaths. Count 1 on the inhale, 2 on the exhale, and so on to 10. Then start over from 1. If you find you’ve counted to a higher number, refocus on your breath.
- Do a mental body scan. Focus on how each particular part of your body feels: your skull, the back of your neck, your left shoulder, your left bicep…
- Breathe through your mouth for several breaths. Next, breathe deeper into your stomach and solar plexus, a network of nerves in the abdomen. Finally, inhale and hold your breath; while holding it, squeeze your pelvic floor muscles (imagine stopping urinating midway through). Hold the position for a few beats, then exhale. To repeat.
This last exercise, Weaver recommends, should be practiced throughout the day at non-sexual times, such as waiting in line to pay for groceries. This exercise isn’t overtly sexual, but it is a restrained way of connecting with your sensual energy, or your “pilot light,” as Weaver calls it.
Gordon recommends that even during sex, if you lose focus, you can always go back to your breath. “The breath controls the whole body, the mind, the autonomic nervous system,” he says. “When we can connect with the breath, then we connect with our intimacy and pleasure.”
5. Train for endurance
While pressure to perform sexually is a conversation that needs to be unpacked (because sex is meant to be enjoyed, not performed), there are still physical exercises that can help with stamina, as well as connecting with your genitals.
Pelvic floor exercises are great for everyone, no matter what sexual organs you’re working on. Kegel exercises are good, but they tend to get all the attention. As a refresher, a Kegel is when you contract your pelvic muscles, like what you do to stop urinating midstream. Try not to tense your abdomen or butt. Hold each contraction for 3 seconds. Kegel exercises for penises can help with premature ejaculation and keep an erection longer.
4. Understand how to orgasm (with a vagina)
Ah, the female orgasm. So powerful, yet so careless.
O’Guin encourages a practice, often called deliberate orgasm, that she says can help people explore the feelings associated with female orgasm.
The practice focuses on clitoral stimulation. It involves two partners: the receiving partner lying down and the giving partner sitting down. The giving partner stimulates the recipient’s clitoris with a finger for 15 minutes. Ideally, both people are aware of what they are feeling and what the other person is expressing.
“There is so much taking from women sexually and so much conditioning [that] sex is about the penis,” says O’Guin. They go on to say that this exercise is meant to empower the receiver to say out loud what feels good or what could feel better.
3. Warm up your body for sex
Ted Lasso once said, “Your body is like a day’s worth of rice: if it’s not heated properly, something really bad could happen.” I was talking about soccer practice, but it also applies to sex. Warming up your body is as much about pleasure as it is about ability. While flexibility can be an advantage for more positions, relaxing your joints will make you more receptive to pleasure, allow different positions to feel good, and stimulate blood flow.
O’Guin recommends stretching, yoga and tai chi to loosen up and relax the body. Focus on these body parts:
- Pelvis
- hips
- thighs
- Lower back
Of course, there are plenty of strengthening exercises you can do to activate the muscles commonly used during sex. Some good ones:
- Planking
- jump squats
- glute bridges
- Lizards
2. Practice masturbation
Getting turned on is a great way to learn what makes you feel good. It’s another way to connect with the pilot light that Weaver points out.
Weaver also encourages people to regularly engage in things that are pleasurable, but not purely sexual. “I really enjoy having a date night,” says Weaver. He got the idea from the women in his life and has found the joys of dressing (or undressing), bathing, eating pleasurable foods, and more to his own pleasure. Again, your own pleasure isn’t strictly sexual, but you can help influence that.
O’Guin endorses that “knowing your own body” is another great way to promote female orgasm.
1. Don’t forget about foreplay
Should you use foreplay? A resounding YES from all three intimacy experts, and probably your current sexual partner(s) as well.
Foreplay is not only a form of warm-up, which helps blood flow to your genitals and other muscles, but it’s also fun and relaxing.
O’Guin suggests prolonging foreplay and avoiding penetration. This puts less pressure on the act of penetration as the “main event” within sex. Thinking of foreplay as part of sex helps bring it all out into the open.
Essentially, look at every communication with you and your partner about sex as training for sex. Learning what you or your partner likes will improve sex. But perhaps the most important thing to remember is this: sex isn’t necessarily a skill to improve, like cooking or playing chess. First of all, it should simply be enjoyed.
