My closest friends and family understand the problem, but it’s still embarrassing, especially when it happens with people I don’t know well or in a public setting.
When I talk to people, should I warn them at the beginning of the conversation that I might start coughing and have to stop the conversation, either by hanging up the phone or walking away until the attack passes? If so, how should I explain this? I don’t want to give them my medical history, and I don’t want them to think I’m sick or contagious.
Curious: Everyone’s body does strange things from time to time. I’m sorry your body is doing something that’s causing you social anxiety. I understand that having a prolonged cough can lead to questions, comments, or other unwanted reactions, especially in a world still dealing with the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic. There’s nothing wrong with having a cough; it’s just a matter of figuring out how to best take care of yourself and your community.
For peace of mind, try telling people, “Just so you know, I have a condition that makes me cough sometimes. It’s not contagious or anything to worry about, but I don’t want you to think I’m rude if I have to leave abruptly. Thank you for your understanding!”
You don’t have to do this, but you may find it easier to reduce your anxiety and sensitivity about the topic.
If you tell someone you have a cough, think of it not as an apology for having a body, but as information that will help make the conversation a more welcoming and less tense experience for you.
Dear Eric: A young couple from the neighborhood told me that their daughters had told them that an uncle who had recently been in town had exposed himself to them. These parents are more than shocked, do not know how to proceed and asked me for my opinion. They are worried that they might be asked to report it to child protection services or the police. However, this is a very well-liked uncle. They also do not want to destroy his career and family. He is married and works in a medical profession where he occasionally has children as clients.
They feel that any formal action could cause great unrest. However, some family members urge them to report the incident. They want to find a way to protect their daughters first and inform the uncle that he will never be able to be alone with his daughters again. This is creating an ongoing family conflict. How should they address this situation?
Neighbor: Report it. I cannot stress enough how important it is to take steps now to protect these children and any other children the uncle may come into contact with. Depending on where you live, it may actually be a legal requirement.
You can check out the details and also get information about where to file a report in your state at the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network’s database of state laws. RAINN also has specific steps that will help parents through this emotionally fraught process, including telling children that what happened was not their fault and that they are going to report it, as well as practicing self-care as parents go through the process.
This will initiate an investigation. It is not a trial or a verdict. It is often easy for our thoughts to become agitated by the possible consequences and become overwhelmed. By telling the authorities what they know, these parents are doing their duty to their children and entrusting the next steps to trained professionals.
Professionals will engage in a trauma-informed process to find out what happened and determine next steps. It can be difficult to think about this beloved family member suffering the consequences of his actions, but if parents keep this information to themselves, they are taking responsibility for delivering justice. That is not their job. Their job is to listen and protect their children. Tell parents to resist any comments that scold them for “destroying the uncle’s career” or making this anything more than a “family problem.” The uncle did it on his own, if his actions are as described.
Children need advocates; uncle needs help. Parents can get expert guidance from RAINN 24/7 by calling 1-800-656-HOPE. Urge parents to do so today.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and subscribe to their weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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