ONE BRAVE mother has opened up about the death of her 17-year-old son in the hope that she can help prevent others from going through the same thing.
North Yorkshire Police say that in the last 12 months in North Yorkshire and York alone, they have recorded 28,104 incidents in which mental health has been a factor – that’s an average of 2,342 per month or an average of 6.4 per day.
The force is supporting Mental Health Awareness Week this week to encourage conversations about mental health and the things in our daily lives that can affect it.
To highlight the importance of working around mental health issues, Harrogate mother Pat Sowa has told her story of losing her beloved son Dom to suicide.
She said, “Flying through summer vacation snapshots, I can still feel the warmth of the sun, but that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m looking for the clues in Dom’s face.
“In the harsh glare of hindsight, I wonder how I could have missed the signs, but I did. I am, or should I say, was, a natural optimist with an ‘everything will come out’ approach to life.
“I just had no conscious thought that Dom might be suicidal. Nine weeks after those photos were taken, she would find out how wrong he was.
“My son, Dom, was 17 when he died and had just started year 13 with his plans to go to university to study English and he was shaping up very well.
“I reviewed the events leading up to his death in an attempt to understand. On the good days, I know we did the best we could, but we just didn’t know how to support someone who is suicidal.
“I would have loved to have given Dom a chance to recover and grow.
“Knowing what I know now, I can see that perhaps there were, I will never know for sure, some events in his life that made him more vulnerable to a suicidal crisis.
“Learning about the impact of trauma on our mental health has helped me see that it is possible that the myriad of bumps in the road, which he really took very seriously, should have set off alarm bells if it wasn’t for me as his mother, then definitely for the professionals who support him.
“The loss of his three beloved grandparents in quick succession; the peer harassment to which he was subjected after coming out as gay; a difficult time in early adolescence when he struggled to find good partners to hang out with are just some of the factors that I think may have affected how lonely and isolated he felt.
“When he died, Dom had a fantastic group of kind and loyal friends around him. They spent a lot of time together: laughter, fun and friendship.
“We are still in touch, we take care of each other and share memories of happy times.
“Dom hid how he felt from them because he didn’t want to bring the mood down. When she asked how she was doing, she would reply ‘I’ll tell you if I need you’ and she would get angry if she brought up any concerns about him ‘I’m fine, Mom’.
“Just like me and my family, Dom’s friends have learned to ask directly if someone is having suicidal thoughts and to share their own ups and downs to stay safe.
“When Dom left the hospital after surviving a first suicidal crisis, he knew nothing about it and was also in shock. In my opinion, she had survived and would now receive all the expert help he needed to overcome the depression and social anxiety that crippled her life.
“I thought the suicide attempt had been ‘speared’ and had no idea that a previous attempt increases the risk of suicide. Research shows an increased risk for at least six months after an attempt.
“I feel hopelessly naive to admit this, but it could save someone else.
“Now I spend a lot of time talking about the brilliant suicide prevention training and the charities that exist to help if we all knew about them.
“I have total admiration and respect for the emergency services that helped search for Dom when we went missing. “I often wonder how they must feel dealing with such a tragic situation. We are still in contact with the RNLI team and they have been very helpful in keeping the connection.
“Huddled together in quiet desperation as the police, RNLI and Coast Guard searched, I still remember someone telling us we were a ‘proper family’. Those words still comfort me.
“The kindness and thoughtfulness of how we were told, and the whole horrible administration of death was made as bearable as possible.
“Words matter, they sink deep, and I think it was especially important because losing a child brought a lot of guilt about what we could or should have done. “Dom was such a bright, fun-loving kid. He was not a saint, but he was loved and he loved us. I know from reading the last message he sent me. He deserved to be alive. He was sick, but the treatment was not good enough. “And now? Well, I’m still optimistic but with a touch of caution learned in the school of rock-hard blows.
“I wrote a bestselling book, Take My Hand, to share what I’ve learned. I am determined to speak openly about my experience and share the great news that the skills to support one another are not difficult to learn.
“We just have to get over the fear and stigma of asking directly. We all deserve to be here, living this amazing life.
“It’s too late for Dom, so we have to save the next one.”
A police spokesman said: “Our thanks to Pat and her family. Whether you are concerned for yourself or a loved one, there are mental health charities, organizations and support groups that can also offer expert advice.” .
“It’s okay not to be okay and you’re not alone.”
- To speak to a Samaritan, call 116 123. Calls are treated with absolute confidentiality and discretion.
- To donate to the Samaritans Emergency Appeal, visit samaritans.org/york
- PAPYRUS UK is a UK youth (under 35) suicide prevention charity. Call PAPYRUS HOPELINEUK on 0800 068 4141 or visit https://www.papyrus-uk.org/
