I am a psychology professor that studies the role of the use of technology in interpersonal relationships and well-being. Given the negative psychological consequences of failed relationships, especially in the emerging years of adulthoodages 18-29: I wanted to understand what leads college students to ghost others, and whether ghosting had any perceived effect on one’s mental health.
To address these questions, my research team recruited 76 college students via social media and campus flyers, 70 percent of them women. Study participants were enrolled in one of 20 focus groups, ranging in size from two to five students. The group sessions lasted an average of 48 minutes each. Participants responded to questions that asked them to reflect on their ghost experiences. This is what we found.
Some students admitted that they ghosted because they lacked the communication skills necessary to have an open and honest conversation, whether the conversation was face-to-face or via text or email.
From a 19-year-old woman: “I’m not good at communicating with people in person, so I definitely can’t do it by typing or anything like that.”
From a 22-year-old: “I don’t have the confidence to tell you that. Or I guess it could be due to social anxiety.”
In some cases, participants opted for ghosting if they thought that meeting with the person would arouse emotional or sexual feelings that they were not prepared to experience: “People are afraid that something will become too much … the fact that the relationship of somehow it’s getting to the next situation.” level.”
Some ghosts due to security concerns. Forty-five percent used ghosts to get away from a “toxic,” “unpleasant,” or “unhealthy” situation. One 19-year-old woman put it this way: “It’s so easy to chat with complete strangers, so [ghosting is] as a form of protection when a creepy guy asks you to send nudes and stuff like that.”
One of the least reported but perhaps most interesting reasons to ghost someone: to protect that person’s feelings. Better to fake it, the thought says, than to cause the hurt feelings that come with outright rejection. An 18-year-old woman said the ghost was “a slightly more polite way of rejecting someone than just saying, ‘I don’t want to talk to you.’ ”
Having said that, recent data suggests that American adults generally view breaking up via email, text, or social media as unacceptable, preferring a breakup conversation in person.
And then there is the ghost after sex.
In the context of hookup culture, it’s understood that if the ghost got what they were looking for, often that’s sex, then that’s it, they don’t need to talk to that person anymore. After all, talking more could be interpreted as wanting something more emotionally intimate.
According to a 19-year-old woman: “I think it is rare that there is an open conversation about how you really feel [about] what you want from a situation. … I think hookup culture is really toxic to fostering honest communication.”
But the most frequent reason for ghosts: the lack of interest in having a relationship with that person. remember the movieHe do not like you to much”? As one participant put it: “Sometimes the conversation gets boring.”
Going to college represents a critical turning point to establish and maintain relationships beyond the family and hometown neighborhood. For some emerging adults, breakups, emotional loneliness, social exclusion, and isolation can have potentially devastating psychological implications.
Our research supports the idea that the ghost may have negative consequences for mental health. In the short term, many of the ghosts felt overwhelming rejection and confusion. They reported feelings of low self-esteem and self-esteem. Part of the problem is lack of clarity: not knowing why the communication stopped abruptly. Sometimes an element of paranoia arises as the ghost tries to make sense of the situation.
In the long term, our study found many of those phantom feelings of distrust that developed over time. Some bring this mistrust into future relationships. With that can come internalized rejection, self-blame, and the potential to sabotage those later relationships.
But just over half of the participants in our study said being a ghost offered opportunities for reflection and resilience.
“It can be partly positive for the ghost because they can realize some of the shortcomings that they have and they can change it,” said an 18-year-old woman.
As for the ghost, there were a number of psychological consequences. About half of the focus groups that did ghosts experienced feelings of remorse or guilt; the rest felt no emotion at all. This finding is not surprising, given that people who initiate breakups generally report less distress than the recipients.
Also emerging from our discussions: The feeling that ghosts can stunt your personal growth. From a 20-year-old man: “You can [become] a habit And it becomes part of your behavior, and that’s how you think you should end a relationship with someone. … I feel like a lot of people are serial ghosts, like that’s the only way they know how to deal with people.”
Reasons for the ghost of fear of intimacy represent an especially intriguing avenue for future research. Until that work is done, universities could help providing more opportunities for students to build confidence and improve their communication skills.
This includes more courses that cover these challenges. I remember a psychology class I took as an undergraduate at Trent University which introduced me to the work of a social psychologist. Daniel Pearlman, who taught courses on loneliness and intimate relationships. Outside of the classroom, college residential life coordinators could design seminars and workshops that teach students practical skills for resolving conflict in relationships.
In the meantime, students can subscribe to relationship blogging that provide readers with research-based answers. Just know that help is out there. Even after a ghost, you are not alone.
Royette T Dubar He is a professor of psychology at Wesleyan University.
This article was originally published on laconversacion.com.
