The question I can’t be bothered to exist anymore. I have a solid job, although it has taken me a lot of time and effort to prove myself. I also have an amazing wife, a wonderful child, and another on the way. But I’m just existing. The only case of spontaneity this year has been the whole family contracting Covid. Yes, I realize that life is hard, hang in there, buttercup.
I have felt this way since I was a child. I experienced something that you must have heard hundreds of times: Dad left; stepfather abuses the whole family; mom turns into a zombie; my sister and I feel isolated. I am obsessed with disappearing completely (a barren, cold landscape, chopping wood, no phone) or something terribly violent (being hit by a car, etc.). Another fantasy I’ve had since childhood is suicide, but with financial dependents it has been pushed into the background.
I wish it didn’t exist, that it never would have existed. My whole life feels polluted and wrong. I’m sure I won’t take my own life now that I have kids, so I’m stuck. My wife suggests therapy. I feel that therapy can only go so far. I doubt that therapy can make my life less monotonous and more rewarding.. Maybe it will give me skills to embrace monotony? And accept that I must continue to exist, knowing that one day I won’t?
I realize this all sounds selfish: kids first! – but if I feel absolutely nothing, how can I put them in the first place? No matter how much I want it, I feel like I’m just killing time.
Philip’s answer Yes, unfortunately I have heard quite a few such stories, and they all touch my heart. When we have been traumatized, the rational part of the brain cannot convince the emotional side of its reality. You can’t “should” feel any different than you do, so no more talk of being selfish. You wouldn’t tell someone with a broken leg that they need to put up with more than you should with someone suffering from the aftermath of trauma.
You are suicidal, so see your GP and get a referral to a psychiatrist, and sooner rather than later. Your psychiatrist will work with you to decide on treatment, which will likely include therapy.
One of the things that stands out from your email is this: your mother turned into a zombie. When life is scary and difficult to cope with, what the body can do is dissociate. It is as if your mind and body are disconnected so that you do not inhabit your own life. Dissociation is an involuntary form of escapism and people who suffer from it often talk about existing instead of living. It sounds like she might have been dissociative and I wonder if you might be too. Maybe it started when your father left. Or when the abusive stepfather entered the scene and your mother was there, but she couldn’t be there for you and your sister.
Staying away from feelings is a way to survive abandonment and abuse, it’s a bodily reflex. Let your mind go when your body is trapped. Unfortunately, it often continues long after the threat is gone. Until you know what it is and how to recognize when it’s happening, it’s difficult or impossible to control.
There are different ways the body dissociates, and depending on how it is dissociating, and indeed whether it really is dissociated (nobody can diagnose it from an email), your treatment can be tailored accordingly. One course of therapy that you may be advised to try is EMDR, which stands for Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. What this can do is rewire the emotional and rational parts of your brain, helping you process memories and sensations, so that you can control them, rather than (which sounds like it might be happening) being dominated by those sensations. The problem with dissociation or repression is that you can’t desensitize yourself to just one type of feeling without turning off all the feelings.
Another thing that could be going on is that because of the traumatic memories and the sensations they evoke, it’s as if the emotional part of your brain is on lockdown as it continuously works to keep these sensations off the surface. The rational part of you can go to work, earn money, appreciate that your wife and child are loving and caring people, but you have nothing left to feel or appreciate that.
Please read or listen The body keeps score by Bessel van der Kolk. This traces the history of trauma therapy and describes frequently used treatments, including medication, verbal, and body therapies. It is a very readable book with personal stories and case studies. From him you will learn how trauma affects the body and the treatments available. It will also allow you to be an active participant in your recovery rather than a passive patient, which I think is important.
The effects of childhood trauma are much better understood now than ever before and there are effective treatments for it. I am optimistic for you.
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