Are you alone or alone? There’s a big difference, and the latter can really take a toll on your mental well-being. But finding the cause of your loneliness could be the beginning of your journey to overcome it.
While many people love some alone time, others may have had more than enough: Research from the Mental Health Foundation reveals that nearly 30% of us feel lonely some or all of the time. That figure jumps to 70% for people who have felt lonely at some point in the last month.
Feeling lonely from time to time is a normal part of life, but if those feelings continue, loneliness It can negatively affect our mental health. So what makes us feel lonely, and how can we address the problem to help everyone feel more connected?
Alone or alone?
Although they sound similar, there is a big difference between being alone and feeling lonely. “Being alone means that you can be in your own space with no one around you and be perfectly happy. But when you’re alone, you feel the absence of other people,” he says. Counselor Jenny Warwick. “As a result, loneliness makes you feel isolated and unhappy.”
You may also feel lonely in a large group of people. Jenny says, “You may feel like no one ‘gets’ you or feel isolated because of an experience you’re going through, like grief, that no one else has had.” And though we often choose to be alone, none of us choose to be alone.
That’s because loneliness makes us feel sad and like there’s a gap between us and other people. This could be a physical gap, if you live in a remote place for example, or an emotional gap; a lack of connection with others.
Feeling lonely can also trigger emotions that we don’t traditionally associate with loneliness. “You can be quite hard on yourself and ask yourself, ‘Have I done something wrong?’ or “What’s wrong with me?” says Jenny.
Loneliness often leads to comparing yourself to others, especially on social media. This is more than FOMO when you look at photos of someone’s party or vacation, but feel like you don’t deserve those things. This can become a vicious cycle of feeling lonely, rejected, withdrawn, and feeling lonelier as a result.
What causes loneliness?
The most obvious cause in recent times has been the Covid-19 pandemic: lockdowns, social distancing, travel restrictions, plus the ongoing stress and sense of isolation to name a few. The pandemic also highlighted the emotions of some people.
Jenny says, “You may have thought you were fine being alone, but the last few years made you realize that you were covering up feelings of loneliness by keeping yourself busy. Being forced to spend so much time alone has made many people acknowledge the fact that they felt lonely the entire time.”
Social media can be a big contributor to loneliness, and not just because everyone seems to be having fun without us. Dr. Dean Burnett, neuroscientist and author of the happy brain (£12.99, Guardian Faber Publishing), says that while the friendships we make online are genuine, the way our brains work means they can’t replace real-life connections, and these are the most effective at preventing loneliness.
He says: “Some people distinguish between two types of loneliness: social loneliness, where we lack human contact; and emotional loneliness, where we have human contact but lack meaningful emotional connections as part of that.” Our brains build those emotional connections by interacting with others, taking in facial expressions, posture, gestures, tone, inflection, and much more.
“Unfortunately, even the best technology can’t convey the full set of information our brains have evolved to expect from real-world interactions,” explains Dr. Burnett. So while you can have ‘armies of virtual friends’, you can still feel lonely if you don’t feel emotionally close to any of them. That’s why online friendships are unlikely to be as rewarding as the ones we form in the real world.
Who we think should feel alone can also prevent us from recognizing our own loneliness. A recent MHF report found that people overestimate how lonely the elderly or those living in rural areas can be. We also overlook those who are ‘alone in a crowd’, such as students, caregivers, or people living in urban settings.
The MHF report also found that younger people, ages 16-25, felt lonely more often than older people. So if you’re a young person living in a city, spending a lot of time online, you might be experiencing loneliness, but dismissing your emotions as something else, like anxiety.
Some medical conditions can also lead to loneliness, either because you are physically unable to go out to meet friends or because your mental health prevents you from feeling able to do so. Whatever the cause, you can take steps to overcome feelings of loneliness.
facing your loneliness
Jenny says, “It took you a while to start feeling lonely, so it’s going to take a while to start feeling better.”
Things will get better, but joining a gym, volunteering, or getting involved right away can feel overwhelming. Treat yourself with compassion and acknowledge that this is where you are in your life right now.
Although social media can contribute to feelings of isolation, it can also help you create more “real life” relationships. If you want to widen your circle of friends or feel more connected to your community, try:
Bumble BFF
This is like a dating app, but for friends. You’re matched with same-sex people Bumble thinks you’d get along with, then you just swipe right to start chatting.
Meet up
No weekend plans? Meetup lists local events and activities where you literally meet groups of people who like the same things you do, from comedy nights to classical music concerts.
Next to
If you just moved in, it takes time to settle in. Enter NextDoor, the app that connects you with your neighbors, where you can find out about everything from barbecues to trash cans.
borrow my puppy
This website connects busy dog owners with people who would love to walk or care for their dog. This should be prescription!
You can also try traditional ways of making friends, such as joining a running club, trying a weekly no-pressure 5K run, signing up for fitness classes like yoga, or starting to learn another language. Not only will you reap the mental health benefits, but you’ll also meet people with similar interests.
If you lack a physical connection, book a massage. Jenny says, “This helps release feel-good chemicals in your body and brain, giving you that connection without the risk of rejection.”
You can also book sessions with a counselor or therapist. They will listen to you without judging you and can help you feel less alone. This really helps if you’re embarrassed to talk to your friends about how you feel.
And although it sounds cliché, remember that you are not alone; statistics show that more than 3.5 million of us now experience loneliness. Jenny says, “There are people around you who are lonely, so reaching out to a friend, neighbor, or colleague could help beat the loneliness for both of you.”
It’s not exactly 3.5 million, but it’s a great start.
If you’re struggling with the effects of loneliness, visit the Counseling Directory or talk to a qualified counselor.
