hThe oliday tradition says you better not pout, you better not cry. But that’s all some of us want to do during the holiday season, when the pressure to be festive is so intense that anyone who doesn’t comply risks being declared a grinch or Scrooge.
There are many reasons one doesn’t like the holidays, including strained family relationships, chaotic travel logistics, and the pressure to buy lots of gifts (in this economy). All are valid, mental health experts say.
“Just like some people like chocolate and some don’t, some people don’t like things associated with the holidays,” says Dr. Jessica Beachkofsky, a Florida-based psychiatrist. I don’t appreciate. They may not like having to go outside when it’s cold outside. Some people don’t like the noise, or the music, at parties and think it’s loud or unpleasant.”
If that sounds familiar, it’s important to focus on the things that restore you. That includes things throughout the year—get enough sleep and exercise, and go easy on alcohol—as well as activities that really lift your spirits. This is the time to get that massage, go to the movies, and surround yourself with your favorite things.
If you’re afraid of decking out the halls, here are five ways to better weather this holiday season.
Attain.
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Maybe you don’t want to have one silent night, and then another and another. There is so much focus on togetherness during the holidays that those without a full calendar may feel isolated and sad. Be open about it. “Don’t be afraid to tell someone, ‘I’m alone. What are your plans? I don’t have any yet,’” says Dr. Sue Varma, a psychiatrist in New York. Many people will respond by extending an invitation; maybe the only reason they hadn’t already was because they didn’t know you would be available or interested.
You can also find new friends and things to do through platforms like Meet up Y Next torecommends Varma. Another way to surround yourself with people is volunteer, even if it’s not something you plan to do the rest of the year. Sign up to visit residents at a local nursing home, bake cookies for first responders, adopt a kitten, or serve food at a homeless shelter. You’ll be able to socialize and the person you’re helping will be grateful for the company, a win-win situation from any angle.
Set limits.
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Many people struggle with the holidays due to strains in family relationships. Setting boundaries is key, Varma says: Tell your mom you’ll join her for Thanksgiving, but only one-on-one and not with her new husband you don’t get along with. Or, if you don’t have the ability to deal with your uncle’s problems political opinionslet your family know that you will be seeing them in a large group (not sitting next to them at dinner).
Have a few lines ready to shut down any unwanted conversations. If someone brings up politics and you don’t want to be involved, say, “I’m not here to talk about it, but I’d like to talk about this delicious food or the amazing athletes playing soccer today,” suggests Marhya Kelsch. , a psychotherapist in California.
If you’re nervous that your guests will bring up a thorny personal issue, address it directly, immediately upon arrival. You might say, “Todd and I broke up. It has been very hard. I would appreciate it if we couldn’t talk about it, because I really want to enjoy being here with all of you,” suggests Beachkofsky. “It sounds scary, but if you say it once, and if those people are even a little reasonable, they won’t bring up the subject you’re asking them not to talk about.”
Allow yourself to feel sad.
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Every year, Beachkofsky listens to people who are overwhelmed by pain at the idea of spending the holidays without someone who is no longer there. His best advice? “You need to feel the sensations,” she says. “If you’re sad and everyone else is happy, you’re entitled to that feeling.” One way to cope, Beachkofsky says, is to let an understanding friend or family member know you’re struggling. Ask if you can call them anytime you need to be heard. Then you know you have someone to turn to who won’t just tell you to be happy and eat another cookie.
It may also help to find ways to honor the person, or people, you are mourning. Did you share any special traditions, like always going to see the Trans-Siberian Orchestra together or making a popcorn garland for the tree? “Find a way to incorporate that into the season,” says Steffani Wooley, a licensed professional counselor based in Texas. Or make a special ornament or photo collage to remind you of your loved one. “You could even set a place at the table to remember them,” she says.
Be flexible with travel.
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Trip It can be a logistical nightmare during the busiest time of the year. If you don’t want to shell out cash for a prime-time plane ticket, or are afraid of crowds and long delays, offer your long-distance relatives a compromise. “Just say, ‘We won’t celebrate Christmas on December 25, we’ll do it on February 1,’” Varma suggests. Then you can eliminate a major source of stress and have something to look forward to during the holiday season.
Be discreet with gifts.
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In progress inflation is still causing prices for almost everything peak. If exorbitant costs stress you out, take the pressure off. First, tell your family members that they need to be more discreet with gifts this year, advises Varma. Those with a large family can draw names and shop for just one person or agree that only the children will receive gifts.
And readjust your perspective on what makes a good gift. As Varma points out, people love receiving homemade treats or other inexpensive but thoughtful offerings—”something as simple as homemade pesto,” she says. If you’re gifting someone you know values time with you, book a yoga class or plan to cook a special meal together. “There are so many ways to be creative that don’t involve a lot of money,” she says.
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