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Professional climbers live a charmed life. It’s not because they get paid to travel the world climbing exotic places and eating free protein bars. It’s because they don’t have to work, so they can spend all their time training. We 9-5ers are stuck in a catch-22. We all want to scale 5.16, but we don’t have time to get there because of our jobs. Well let me let you in on a little secret: you can train to climb all day every day with these simple exercises. Do them all the time whenever you can, and before you know it, someone will be knocking on your door to patronize you.
training
Equipment
Some form of public transportation where standing is allowed.
Description
The average American spends 25.4 minutes commuting to and from work each day, with some people spending more than an hour going in one direction. Use public transportation for your commute – it’s better for the environment and gives you a chance to get some great exercise. Most city buses and trains offer standing space, and those that do always have some sort of grab bar or strap. This is your gym. Reach out and grab it with both hands and start doing pull-ups. Repeat to failure, being conscientious to count reps audibly and growl loudly as you fatigue. If you do it right, you’ll train vital pulling muscles to our sport, everyone will see how strong you are, and maybe some beauty will even give you her number, and you’ll buy a Sprinter and get married.
variations
As you become more adept at these exercises, you can begin to incorporate more difficult maneuvers, such as front sticks and flags, that engage more muscle groups and get more into the personal space of your fellow riders. On the expert level, he experiments with adding a hat or cup on the floor that viewers can place money on. That’s tax-free income.
hang
Equipment
A plastic, paper, or cloth shopping bag filled with groceries.
Description
This is good for city dwellers. Just go to the store, buy groceries and take them home. The trick to making this a climber-specific workout is to adjust your grip. Normally we carry the bags with the meat in our hands, but for this exercise you need to let the handles of the bags slide down until you hold them only with the tips of your fingers. This will train the crucial open hand grip position.
variations
The standard version of this exercise involves all four primary fingers other than the thumb. To train more specifically, try using various finger combinations instead. You can remove your little finger. You can use two-finger grips like your middle and index finger. The truly advanced can even lower it to a single finger. To increase the difficulty, buy more milk or move away from the supermarket. Just move one more block at first, then increase the distance one more block every few months as you adjust to the training load, being careful not to move so much that you’re closer to a different grocery store, as with any program. of training, consistency is key. Always use multiple bags as you add more milk jugs to avoid bag failure, which ends the training session and forces you to spend money on a taxi.
Ab Blasters Office Chair
Equipment
A desk job.
Description
If ’90s aerobic VHS tapes have taught us anything, it’s that you can achieve rock-hard, beach-ready abs in just eight minutes a day, so imagine how ripped your core would be if you trained it for eight hours a day. . At first glance, your ergonomic office chair may not seem like a great core trainer, but let me blow your mind: you can train your core anywhere. All you have to do is squeeze your abdominal muscles as hard as you can. Start by trying to keep your abs tight for as long as it takes to send a funny picture of a cat to everyone on your team. Once you’ve got that down, see if you can hold it while writing a passive-aggressive note to whoever’s been eating your Fage yogurts from the fridge. Your goal is to work out to squeeze your abs from the time you check in to the time you check out eight hours later. Your co-workers will think you’re seething with rage over recently announced changes to the company’s 401k plan as you turn red and sweat from the effort; they don’t know you’re just putting the “training” into the “work day”. ” Warning: doing this exercise too aggressively can cause you to poop your pants.
variations
For a more challenging core workout, lift your legs straight off the chair and try to keep them up for eight hours while explaining to your co-workers that sitting is killing us all. To challenge other muscle groups, contract them too. For a truly intense full-body workout, curl up into a ball under your desk and contract all your muscles as hard as you can. Tell Human Resources that you are fine and insist that you do not need to see a counselor while you feel the burn.
Frequently asked questions
what: Can’t I use kettlebells instead of shopping bags?
A: Ha! Good luck finding a grocery store that sells kettlebells.
what: Is cycling training to work effective?
A: For the Tour de France.
what: Should I replace my chair with a yoga ball?
A: Those are great for training your co-workers to make fun of you behind your back.
