LOVE, COMPANIONSHIP AND MARRIAGE IN TIMES OF MENTAL ILLNESS
Living with mental illness is tough. Loving and living with someone with mental illness is tougher. But loving and living with a mentally ill spouse is the toughest.
But all the three are eminently possible. Because had it not been the case, I would not have been here, writing this piece.
A TALE FROM AUTHOR’S DIARY
Mental illnesses strikes early. The onset age of severe mental disorders — major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia – happens in late teens and early 20s. This presents insurmountable challenges to sufferers of mental illness in love and companionship. And getting wedded to a mentally ill spouse is not the Indian paradigm where stigma, and discrimination against mentally ill is deeply entrenched.
But what if the mental disorders strike post marriage?
It lobs a tough luck at the other spouse. It happened to Linky, my loving, self-sacrificing wife for the past 35 years, when after 10 years of marriage, aged 38, in quick succession I was lobbed with three psychiatric labels — recurrent major depressive disorder, bipolar disorder and paranoid schizophrenia, before the shrink settled at the final diagnosis – “life sentence- incurable bipolar affective disorder-i’.
And all hell let loose.
My career shift from the secured cosy life of a feted Government of India civil servant to a top-level corporate honcho with high six-figure monthly salary (when a rarity), with high-flying living in Mumbai’s opulent Lokhandwala, proved disruptive change that pushed me in vegetative state, lost to the self, family, and the world for 1000-days.
Linky had easy option to return to her wealthy doctor parents with our two sons, pick up a job and get divorced. It would have been wiser thing to do and no one, not even I could have found fault with her decision.
But Linky, made of sterner metal, stayed put, got me treated and nursed me back to the ‘new normal’ though her own life turned living hell, akin to being roasted alive in the blast-furnace.
I returned to the real world chiselled as a multidisciplinary thought leader and impact consultant, after four years in the wilderness, with my wife as the sole caregiver, companion, lover, therapist, and spouse. During this period even our two young sons learnt prematurely to play “dad to their dad”.
If India needs just one case study of love in times of madness, with blessed companionship and the bliss of matrimony, I am the luckiest madman of the sub-continent. I say, in the recovery from severe mental illnesses, the sacrifice, selfless love and companionship of a loving spouse or partner is of paramount importance.
I often wonder what my “mad and sad” life would have been without Linky.
LOVE IS POTENT NOSTRUM IN SEVERE MENTAL ILLNESSES
It is completely normal to undergo a wide range of emotion, when a loved one (partner of spouse) slides in the throes of severe mental illness. Conditions like depression, post-traumatic stress disorder, bipolar disorder, panic disorder, schizophrenia and obsessive-compulsive disorder affect a person’s thoughts, behaviour and moods. Depending on the type and severity of the disorder each of these factors can vary wildly, making extremely difficult for the caregiver spouse or partner to cope with.
But I posit: Love of spouse or partner is the real nostrum that works beautifully in severe mental disorders, often better than psychotropic medicines.
‘A BEAUTIFUL MIND AND A BEAUTIFUL HEART’: LOVE STORY OF JOHN AND ALICIA NASH
The world is replete with such love stories where one partner or spouse gets severely mentally ill, but the love of the other spouse plays stellar part in bringing the person back to the normalcy.
The central cure for mental illness is loving company. And severity of mental disorder denies one access to precisely what one most needs in order to get better.
The most inspiring such love story I can describe is of the Nobel Laurate John Forbes Nash Jr. (a mathematical genius whose struggle with schizophrenia was chronicled in the four Oscar-winning 2001 movie ‘A Beautiful Mind’ on a book by the same name by Silvia Nassar of the same name,) and his loving wife Alicia Nash.
Their legendary love story is a tale of one beautiful mind and another beautiful heart and an amazing partnership.
In the extremity of Nash’s schizophrenia, he and Alicia divorced in 1963, but mentally crippled Nash was always welcome in Alicia’s home, hearth and heart. They resumed living together again after few years and finally remarried in 2001 and were together till death when they got killed in a car accident at New Jersey on May 15, 2015.
When death came calling, John Nash was 86 and Alicia 82.
Nash was awarded 1994 Nobel Prize in economics for his work in Game Theory which offered insight into the dynamics of human rivalry, and which is considered one of the most influential ideas of the 20th century. And just before death in 2015, he won the Abel Prize for his contributions to the study of partial differential equation.
The remarkable achievements of John Nash, despite lifelong suffering from schizophrenia, inspired generations of mathematicians, economists and scientists who were influenced by his brilliant, ground-breaking work in game theory.
But even more more powerful was his love story and life with wife Alicia that moved millions of readers and moviegoers who marvelled at their tenancy, courage, and unflinching love in the face of daunting challenges together.
TIPS FOR LOVING MENTALLY ILL SPOUSE
Here is the laundry list that will help spouse or partner of mentally ill immensely — Understand your spouse or partner’s mental illness; have frequent non-judgemental communication; find support; focus on marriage outside mental illness; accept it is the illness stupid that is the villain and not your spouse or partner; find treatment option for spouse/ partner and be active part of the treatment; love unconditionally, the feeling of being loved improves the self-worth of mentally ill; and finally, take care of yourself.
Loving mentally ill spouse or partner requires one to put his/her feelings aside for the well-being of and care for spouse or partner and trust me, difficult though it may look, is most powerful nostrum of the mental illnesses.
To tell you the truth, despite my own fight with the demon of the bipolar disorder and associated comorbidities, I have spent most of my life trying to love people with mental illnesses. It all started when I was a child, from my very first introduction to human relationships, and continued into adulthood, where I have persisted with trying hard to uncover the meaning of love, seeking to build healthy relationships with those around me at home, office and society in general. In my spare time I have often ventured inside mental asylums trying to spread love and improve the life of mentally ill.
Every person is different, and every marriage is different. If your loved one has a mental illness, that might end up taking a vital role in your relationship, and you might end up becoming the constant caretaker. This can certainly cause stress, anguish, and resentment.
But remember, you are not alone.
There are many people with mental illness who have gotten the treatment and medication they needed, and they have gone on to have happy marriages and fulfilling lives.
If your wife or partner suffers from mental illness, it is your turn to turn the nostrum he/she needs
COMPANIONSHIP MATTERS
There are studies galore that testify that even having a loving pet immensely helps mentally. Pets provide invaluable, life-changing benefits to the mentally ill. Their loyalty and unconditional love not only give a feeling of complete acceptance, but pets can also empower the mentally ill to lead healthier, active, and energized lifestyles.
Friendships, too, are powerful antidote to mental illness. If we are experiencing a mental health problem, our instinct might be to hide away from the world and avoid friends. But friendships play a key role in helping us live with or recover from a mental health problem and overcome the isolation that often comes with it. We can end up with the strongest relationships with the people who have supported us through challenging times. I tell this with the hindsight of decades lived with mental illness.
Lack of communication is the most common way mentally individuals experience loneliness which turned most severe during Covid-19 lockdown restrictions. It helps the mentally ill if they have someone present who can talk to them often and keep their brain active.
When mentally ill have shortage of conversational interaction, they can often become withdrawn and lose interest in socialising with others with severe consequences
Mental health companions and mental health coaches also engage, support and guide individuals who struggle with mental health disorders.
MENTAL ILLNESS AND MARRIAGE
For long, marriages in India were considered fixed in heavens and were to last at least full life if not next. The sanctity of marriage in Indian society is reflected in the low divorce rate in the country. India, with 1% divorce rate, is considered to have lowest divorce rate in the world, while the highest rate of divorce 87% is in the small country of Luxembourg.
This is the good news.
But every good news comes with its own quota of embedded unwelcome news.
The official divorce rate in India camaglogue the real tragedy related to marriages. An extraordinarily large number of Indians, more so women, are compelled to stay in unhealthy and abusive broken marriages either because they do not have financial security or for the sake of their children or more importantly the stigma attached to divorce in Indian society.
There is a dichotomy in Indian Laws related to marriage where one or both parties to the marriage are mentally ill.
Those suffering from severe mental illnesses (curable or incurable) have been on the receiving end institutionally and legally in the country.
I dissect the existing statutes related to solemnization of marriage with reference to lunacy, insanity, and mental disorders.
I also discuss contemporary changes brought by Mental Health Care Act 2017 and India becoming a signatory to UNCRPD and examine the urgent need for repeal of certain sections of laws related to marriage to bring back a sense of sanity to the Indian statute book.
STATUTES DENY MENTALLY ILL THE RIGHT TO MARRY
I begin with the Hindu Marriage Act, 1955 (further amended in 1976) not only because it affects the greatest number of Indians, but more particularly because, its provisions are most insensitive to the mentally ill.
What do relevant Clauses of Hindu Marriage Act say? Let us examine the clause related to conditions for a Hindu Marriage (Clause 5). In part 3 of the article, I will deal with clauses relating to annulment of marriage and divorce where one spouse is mentally ill.
Clause 5 of Hindu Marriage Act sets following discriminatory conditions for a Hindu marriage.
“A marriage may be solemnized between any two Hindus, if the following conditions are fulfilled, namely:
(ii) at the time of the marriage, neither party,-
(a) is incapable of giving a valid consent of it in consequence of unsoundness of
mind; or
(b) though capable of giving a valid consent has been suffering from mental disorder of such a kind or to such an extent as to be unfit for marriage and the procreation of children; or
(c) has been subject to recurrent attacks of insanity or epilepsy”
It is important to note here that the original provision of the statute was “neither party is an idiot or a lunatic,” which was changed to the present provision by Marriage Laws (Amendment) Act, 1976.
“Recurrent attacks of epilepsy” was also a disqualification for marriage, which was removed by the Marriage Laws (Amendment) Act, 1999.
Moving beyond the Hindu Marriage Act, the provisions of Special Marriages Act, 1954, too, are equally damning to the mentally ill.
On the contrary, a close examination of Marriage Acts as applicable to other religious communities in India shows the following egalitarian position:
In case of Parsi marriages, the existence of mental illness neither makes the marriages voidable nor its existence is a basis for divorce
As per Muslim Personal Laws, on his own, a severe mentally ill cannot be married, but the marriage can be solemnised if the guardian thinks it is in the best interest of the society.
As I understand the provision, it means that in cases involving a person of unsound mind, if the guardian of the person concerned considers such marriage to be in the interest of society and is willing to take up all the monetary obligations of the marriage, such marriages can be performed.
(c) At least I have not been able to find out a clause in statute governing Christian marriage in India, where mentally ill are denied the matrimony.
TIME TO REBOOT STATUTES
The Hindu Marriage Act and Special Marriage Act with provisions denying the right to marry mentally ill marriage are in urgent need of re-booting and the reasons are as follows:
(a) They contradict provisions of Mental Health Care Act, 2017: Provisions denying right to severely mentally ill to marry, blatantly infringe with the inalienable basic human rights of mentally ill to love, marry and procreate. These also are repugnant to the best practices Mental Health Care Act, 2017.
True justice shall be total elimination of all clauses related to mental illness, marriage, and divorce.
(b) UNCRPD PROVSIONS: In a country that was among the first to sign UNCRPD, there is no place of denial of marriage in the name of mental illness. The crux of UNCRPD is to promote, protect, and ensure full and equal enjoyment of all human rights and fundamental freedoms by all persons with disabilities and to promote respect for their inherent dignity.
Mental illness comes under disability (psycho-social disability) under the UNCRPD. The right to marry is regarded as a basic human right. Thus, denying the persons with mental disorders the right to marry on the ground of mental Illness is in gross violation of sacrosanct provisions of UNCRPD.
(c) INCAPABILITY TO GIVE VALID CONSENT: Oft-repeated claims that severely mentally ill are incapable to give valid consent for marriage is all humbug in an era when most mental illnesses, irrespective of their seriousness are eminently treatable and manageable, even in those cases which are not fully curable.
(d) INCURABILITY OF MENTAL ILLNESS The term incurability of mental illness or mentally ill to such an extent that not fit to be married too has lost all the relevance. I know people suffering from severe bipolar disorder and Schizophrenia leading rather happily married normal life. I am one of them.
(e) EPILEPSY GONE, TIME FOR MENTAL ILLNESS PROVISIONS TO BE BOOTED OUT: It is worth noting that earlier epilepsy too was considered a ground to deny marriage, a provision which has since been nullified. The time has come to accept that persons suffering from mental illnesses too like any physical illness are as normal as others or can lead normal marital life with appropriate intervention.
I have also seen many persons suffering from mental illness marrying each other as they find compatibility. The inclusion of unsound mind, insanity and mental disorders is outright repugnant to the modern-day India.
(f) INCURABILITY OF UNSOUND MIND: Often in a court of law “incurably of unsound mind” is used to deny mentally ill the right to marry or grant divorce. This is utter nonsense in the era when all mental illnesses can be treated or managed.
Moreover, why deny marriage on the grounds of incurable unsound mind or incurable mental disorders. What if a person after marriage contracts a physical illness which makes him/ her unable to procreate? Also, in the modern era of IVF/surrogacy is procreation such an issue that it should become valid grounds for divorce.
POSTSCRIPT
Why single out mental illness for discrimination statutorily denying them their basic human right to marry.
It is time to re-boot the laws and make India discrimination free and stigma-free for mental illness.
No more prohibition of Marriage/ Denial of Marriage on Account of Mental Illness
No More Divorces in India on Account of Mental Illness. Period.
Part 3: Mental illness and divorce in India.
Akhileshwar Sahay is a multidisciplinary thought leader with Action Bias and Impact Consultant. He suffers from Incurable Bipolar Disorder and is an avid researcher in the arena of mental illness and mental wellness. He was a member of GoI’s Mental Health Policy Group and is a past member of GoI’s Central Mental Health Authority (CMHA). Views expressed are personal.
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