How to set boundaries with your aging loved one for your mental health

As children, we depend on our parents to take care of us and meet all our needs. In adulthood, caring for elderly parents it inevitably reminds us of all the ways our parents sacrificed to raise us. This can make us feel guilty when we can’t provide everything they ask of us as caregivers.

“When adult children become caregivers for their aging parents, the whole dynamic of the relationship naturally changes,” he explains. jamie dumlerlicensed clinical social worker at Thriveworks in Bethlehem, Pennsylvania.

For seniors and their adult children, going through this transition from being a former care provider to being cared for can be destabilizing for both parties involved. Because of this, Dumler says it’s important to discuss, set, and review boundaries with older parents to minimize stress and burnout as a family caregiver.

However, this is easier said than done. As a primary caregiver, setting a boundary and communicating your needs to your older loved one can lead to feelings of guilt.

Dumler says that many family caregivers often prioritize the needs of others over their own, which is detrimental not only to the caregiver, but also to the care they are able to provide. “It’s important for caregivers to remember that they can’t spill water on others if their glass is empty,” she explains. “When caregivers constantly neglect their own needs, they can often become more nervous, irritable, exhausted and resentful in their relationships because they feel so drained.”

This was true for Rita Meadowbrook, who acts as the primary caregiver for her elderly mother. “Feeling exhausted, being in a bad mood for no good reason, being resentful—these are all indicators that I need downtime,” she explains. Meadowbrook says it hasn’t always been easy to maintain this boundary as she is her mother’s source of transportation for all of her needs, including doctor’s appointments. However, taking time for herself between these essential trips has become non-negotiable.

Here are some expert tips for setting boundaries with aging parents, managing feelings of guilt, and taking time for yourself when you need to.

1. Communicate needs and expectations

One of the easiest ways to establish necessary boundaries with an older loved one is to discuss expectations regarding care. Kim and Mike Barnes, founders of aging parents, say that communicating what duties the adult child will assume and what the father will be in charge of is crucial to maintaining harmony within the relationship. For example, Mike says that his father is still in control of your finances at 84. However, if his father is having trouble accessing his online account, Mike knows he is expected to help.

“Give your parents a notepad to write down questions they have for you as they come up, and then plan to talk every night after work.”

— KIM BARNES, CO-FOUNDER OF PARENTING AGENCIANDO PARENTS

2. Establish routines

Whether you live nearby or your elderly parents live with you, it’s critical to indicate when you’re available to provide help and care, and when you need to focus on other priorities.

“Create a timeline, so there are clear parameters,” says Kim. Perhaps this includes going on a hike twice a week or making a snack for your loved one in the afternoon when he can take a short break from work. A physical calendar helps older parents and adult children know when things are happening and what to expect.

If you find that your elderly parent calls frequently while you’re at work or on other duties, Kim suggests setting up a time to call each day that works for both schedules. “Give your parents a notepad to write down questions they have for you as they come up, and then plan to talk every night after work,” she says. This prevents constant interruptions and lets her know it’s probably urgent if she gets a call outside of this window.

3. Reflect on everything you do for your older loved one

For Westbrook, the guilt often surfaced when he believed he wasn’t doing enough for his mother. “I think the most important thing a caregiver can do is acknowledge her contribution to this person’s life,” she says. “When I accepted the reality that I do a lot. I am there for her a lot. I contribute a lot to make your life easier and more pleasant; the guilt began to melt away.”

Jill Johnson Young, a licensed clinical social worker, says to take this a step further by keeping a journal when feelings of guilt arise. “Writing in a journal reduces guilt and allows you to see how much you’re really doing,” she says.

As a caregiver, it can be easy to get caught up in the stress of medications and doctor’s appointments. Johnson-Young says finding opportunities to enjoy spending time with her older parents like during foods or activities, it can help you feel less guilty during times when you can’t be there.

4. Validate feelings by setting limits

Depending on the medical limitations your older loved one may be experiencing, certain limits are non-negotiable to keep your loved one safe. Other limits may need to be set to protect your health and well-being, such as hire extra help.

When setting these limits, Dumler recommends speaking with a calm and positive attitude. An example of a boundary might be: “I need help with all of this, so if you’re going to keep living here, I need you to let me bring a nurse to help me a few days a week” or “Your doctors and I don’t meet unless you drive.

Next, acknowledge your feelings. For example, “I understand that you’re upset and that this is very difficult, but I’ll have to get you your car keys.” She explains, “This is a great tool for validating your loved one’s feelings and perspective while also asserting the boundary that is needed to keep them safe or help them continue to provide care.”

“When I started using the strategy that I wasn’t responsible for anyone’s pain or feelings and just let my mom be where she was, the results were much better.”

— RITA MEADOWBROOK, PRIMARY CAREGIVER

5. Let your parents feel your feelings

No matter how hard you try or what you provide for your older loved one, it’s important to recognize that you are not responsible for how you feel. Although we all want our older loved ones to feel comfortable and cared for, the reality is that aging is a challenging process. You can’t change how they feel about their current situation.

“I suggest that new caregivers give the person the space and grace to have their feelings without trying to fix it,” says Meadowbrook. “When I started using the strategy that she wasn’t responsible for anyone’s pain or feelings and just allowed my mom to be where she was, the results were much better.”

6. Seek support

“There’s a huge emotional component to caregiving that isn’t really talked about outside of the people who do it,” says Meadowbrook. Caring for an aging parent comes with many emotional obstacles and, when done alone, can lead to feelings of loneliness and resentment.

For new caregivers going through this situation, Meadowbrook recommends work with a therapist who can help set the limits necessary to preserve your mental and physical health. Leveraging resources like the Area Agency on Aging o Local community groups that offer support can also help new caregivers avoid burnout.