“We don’t pay as much attention to it as we should,” she said of her and her husband’s response. Her son “basically got pretty depressed and was even having some suicidal thoughts.”
Feeling conflicted and hurt, Larson finally realized that she needed to support her son however she could.
Support from parents and caregivers can have an impact on a child’s mental health. When a child comes out, parents don’t always know what to do and what to say, and that’s okay, said Caitlin Ryan, director of the Family Acceptance Project. The main thing is that you are there for your son, she added.
Here are some ways you can support your LGBTQ child’s mental health.
Listen to your child and encourage open dialogue
When a child comes out or speaks openly about their LGBTQ identity, it is important to listen and respect what they have to say.
“You don’t have to be an expert on LGBTQ identities and issues to support your LGBTQ child, you just need to discuss LGBTQ issues openly and respectfully,” Amit Paley, executive director and CEO of The Trevor Project, said via email.
Instead, you can respectfully listen to what your child is saying without interrupting, punishing or ridiculing him, Ryan said.
“Even if you’re still struggling and have a lot of doubts, you’re telling your child, ‘I love you, I’m here for you, I’m not going to abandon you, and I’m going to learn how to do it.'” I need to take care of you as a young LGBTQ person,” Ryan said.
Respect and affirm your child’s identity
When children come out of the closet, some parents and guardians initially struggle to understand their child’s identity. Also, for some parents of transgender or non-binary youth, it can be difficult to adjust to the name and pronouns chosen by their children. However, it’s important to use the child’s chosen name and pronouns regardless of internal emotions, Ryan said.
Simply being there for your child and reminding them that you love and care about them can foster a safe and trusting environment. If a father can’t accept his child, he risks losing him, LaSala said.
It’s essential for parents and caregivers to take the seemingly smallest actions that are actually crucial, like respecting pronouns, a 19-year-old referred to by the pseudonym “Alex” told CNN.
The teen, who asked to remain anonymous because he wasn’t completely out, uses the gender-neutral or inclusive pronouns zie/zem/zeir.
It has been difficult for the teenager to talk to her mother, especially as a non-binary, because the mother often confuses people and calls them by their old names instead of their preferred names. Alex said that’s demoralizing for Zem.
make an effort to learn
There is a lot of misinformation about sexual orientation and gender identity, Ryan said, and that can lead some parents to reject their children when they come out.
When Larson’s son came out, she didn’t fully understand what it meant to be transgender. She said it was important for her to realize that being transgender was not a choice. At first, Larson told her son that she didn’t need to decide right away, but she learned more and realized that her gender was not a decision.
“This is a journey and where you are now is probably not where you’ll be in a couple of years,” LaSala said. “Be patient with yourself and keep educating yourself. And once you can calm down, keep the lines of communication open and get as much education (as you can).”
It is normal to feel a variety of emotions.
Parents and caregivers may respond to their child with complex emotions, including grief and fear. In some cases, they may express those emotions in ways that sound like rejection. Don’t be discouraged by these emotions, LaSala said.
Some parents may experience a sense of mourning for their child and the childhood they hoped their son or daughter would have. This is especially common for parents of transgender and non-binary children, LaSala added.
A common emotion people experience once their child comes out is fear, according to Angela Weeks, director of the SOGIE National Center at the University of Maryland School of Social Work in Baltimore. The center promotes the well-being of youth with diverse sexual orientations and gender identity and expression. This fear can stem from a variety of factors, including fear of losing community, fear of being judged as a parent, fear that your child will have a more challenging life or be discriminated against, and fear of not knowing what to say.
Talk to professionals and friends who don’t judge
While it’s normal to have these fears and worries, it’s important to learn to deal with those emotions and begin to unpack them from your child. It’s ideal if the nonjudgmental other is equipped to tolerate intolerance, such as a therapist, but it’s fine to talk to anyone he feels safe with, LaSala said.
advocate for your child
Young people in the LGBTQ community often hear negative things about their identities, and parents or caregivers can be a great buffer against some of the negativity, Ryan said. People may mistreat or discriminate against LGBTQ youth in schools, religious congregations, or other community settings.
Parents can learn to defend their children, as well as teach them how to protect and defend themselves.
Show that you love and support your child
Alex said it would be easier to come out if his family had created a more supportive environment at home.
“It’s important to be able to come home and say, ‘Yes, this is a safe place. This is where people will accept me no matter what,'” Alex said.
Larson said there is no substitute for parental acceptance and support, and it was crucial for her son to know that she and her husband accepted and loved their son.
“Your son will go on his journey whether you approve of it or not,” Larson said. “You can help them and support them with that, or you can make it more difficult for them.”
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