‘I was unable to breathe, sleep, feel’: A trans person’s account of mental health struggles

Growing up, I knew I didn’t belong. Neither in the space I was in, nor in my own body. Not belonging to a society or culture is debilitating, but feeling like you don’t belong in your own body is a whole different story. It has repercussions far beyond the physical. I am a gender fluid trans masc person and this is only part of my story.

Growing up, I always noticed certain things I didn’t like about myself, especially my hair. But I never imagined that the story was much more than a slight discomfort with the length of my hair. I later realized that what I was experiencing was body dysphoria.

All of this had a huge effect on my mental health, and even today it adds to my depression and anxiety. I come from an abusive family and living in such an environment creates trauma that has lasting effects.

I felt like I couldn’t breathe, sleep, feel. A numbness had come over me. The worst was the loneliness. I felt like I had no one. There is a stigma around mental health for everyone, but when it comes to being part of the LGBTQIAP++ community and having mental health issues, the lack of support from cishet people is staggering.

Our culture is so cis-heteronormative that even when a space feels accommodating and accepted, you still feel like you don’t belong.

This is not just my story, but the story of many queer people, especially in India. As a trans person, you are constantly questioned and misunderstood. You are asked uncomfortable questions about your body, whether or not you know your own body. You are constantly invalidated and even face threats to your life at times.

It has been a long journey of constant self-questioning and dysphoria and sometimes, on good days, euphoria. I think I’ve reached a point where I understand myself a bit more as a trans person. I found my people, those who validate my identity and understand that the struggles of the community are not only individual but systemic and political.

However, the cis-heteronormative structure is so ingrained that you can never escape from it. Even in a feminist university like mine, I was constantly misunderstood. It creates an extremely toxic environment, when a space is safe and welcoming one moment and transphobic the next.

I expect more from cis “allies” than “love is love”, especially when the The Transgender Persons (Protection of Rights) Act, 2019, exists. Being trans and being part of the queer community has a ripple effect on all of life. Even more so in mental health and wellness.

But what can be done to make the world a better and safer place for the next generation of trans people? I’ve been thinking about this question a lot lately. My experiences have taught me a lot, but the only thing that has jumped out at all times is the lack of institutional support.

Institutional support must be built through educational programs that start as early as primary school. Parents and children need to be taught what it means to be trans, to be queer. By providing support through empathetic school counselors, teachers, and administrators, a safe space can be created for children to explore themselves.

Gender is not static. It is a fluid concept, but this idea itself does not present itself to us. We need to be given the space to explore, express and then define. The legal aspects of inclusion must also be addressed. Talk about the draconian Transgender People (Protection of Rights) Law, the need for a horizontal reservation for trans people, gender-neutral toilets, and more. But for that to happen, there has to be acceptance.

If homes cannot give acceptance, educational institutions must provide it. Mental health support should be provided through properly trained counselors and psychiatrists to try to make spaces safer and better for trans people and other queer people.

Even within the queer community, there needs to be diversity and intersectionality in conversations and representation. The queer narrative is dominated by savarna cis people. This needs to change. Only with more community care and working on sociopolitical and systemic changes can a safer space be created.

I am a trans person. This is only part of my story.

Rio (he/he) is a student at one of the leading colleges of the University of Delhi. He is associated with The Raahat Project which focuses on LGBTQIAP++ mental health issues.