COLOMBIA, Missouri— A recent mental health study from the University of Missouri found that while the number of reported cases of mental health problems is increasing, they can often be easily combated by getting high and playing Minecraft.
“I suffer from chronic anxiety and depression, but when I smoke a pipe and fill my survival world, I stop thinking about it completely,” said Reese Cromwell, a participant in the study. “I’ve tried a few different drugs in the past, and they all have their respective drawbacks, but getting high and trying to build a fun roller coaster in creative mode has no side effects and doesn’t require any insurance.”
Mental health psychologist Dr. Abigail Milano explained how this recent revelation has affected her practice.
“I have severed my ties to Lexapro and Xanax, and have updated my outgoing prescriptions to reflect what patients now require,” said Dr. Milano. “Whenever someone comes in with mental anguish, we start by having them take a jelly bean and start a cow farm. If that proves ineffective, we are prepared to increase both the potency of marijuana and the number of mods we install on the Java edition of the game.”
Professional Minecraft player EthosLab claimed that he has been unshakeable for years.
“If my house was burning to the ground while I was creating a redstone contraption, there would be no chance I would notice or even care,” Etho said. “Once when I was broadcasting, my house was flattened. I didn’t even move an inch. They pointed automatic weapons at my face and yelled, but I was just thinking about putting the finishing touches on my enchantment room.”
At press time, the researchers were pleased that this treatment was effective with even the most mentally disturbed group on the planet, League of Legends players
