“Quit smoking quietly” has conquered the media world. The trend, which was named by a Gen Z creator on TikTok, basically involves doing the bare minimum on your job while looking for a new one. It has provoked a backlash from experts. including Arianna HuffingtonWho said Fortune that such behavior can harm your career.
Before long, it became known that bosses are also getting on board: engage in “silent shooting”. Instead of giving an employee honest feedback and steps for improvement, bosses quietly ignore their requests for promotions or higher pay, hoping they’ll get demoralized enough to leave on their own.
The worrying trend has also spread to the world of dating with the “silent download”. psychology today wrote about the “slow fading” trend, which involves distancing yourself from a partner over time instead of having an honest conversation. It’s even more passive-aggressive than ghosting, the previous breakout option for conflict avoiders. Ignoring someone sends a stronger message than reducing your hangouts while staying in touch.
The workplace dynamic has changed so dramatically that it’s like everyone is a character in Succession, being frozen or freezing someone else at all times.
Experts warn that this passive-aggressive tendency to be “cool” is hurting our careers and relationships. For starters, career coaches warn that it can tarnish your reputation at work and burn bridges with colleagues who could be valuable connections later on. Psychotherapists say that “leaving silent” is even more harmful than leaving someone as a ghost.
“Calmly quitting is literally wasting your time in this company and shooting yourself in the foot,” said one. TikTok creator warned. “So please don’t do that.”
But why are we all so collectively “calm,” sacrificing short-term comfort for risking our careers and relationships?
From bosses to boyfriends
“Silent firing” by bosses can also hurt employees.
in a Twitter thread about “silent layoffs,” employees described feeling demoralized and burned out by being denied raises, promotions, and more PTO. Well-informed person grades that resentment goes both ways: employers complain that potential employees have misled them, while candidates complain that companies have misled them after interviews. Such behavior leads to a lack of confidence, security and motivation.
in relationships, psychology today claims that “silent fading,” known as “slow fading,” can be more damaging than ghosting.
Partners may think distancing is kinder than breaking up altogether, but it actually leads to more self-harm and self-doubt. argues Jennice Vilhauerdirector of psychotherapy at Emory University School of Medicine.
“Slow fading is not kind, it is a form of gaslighting that can cause emotional damage,” Vilhauer writes. Gaslighting, the practice of making someone question their own reality, can cause emotional turmoil as your partner tries to process conflicting signals.
Why we’re getting addicted to passive aggression
We live in an increasingly fragmented world. Headquarters and a centralized employee base has been replaced with Zooms and a remote workforce. Behind our screens in our home offices, we can more easily hide from bosses and colleagues than when we could face-to-face. Dating apps made it possible to meet thousands of strangers without the typical social bonds of mutual friends or community that held us accountable before. The “quiet” era of the 2020s could be something of a turning point.
There is also the idea that everything is easily replaceable. The Great Renunciation made jobs seem plentiful, and gave power back to employees. If you drop the ball on a romantic relationship, you can log into a dating app and search for countless replacements. With plenty of open roles and potential matches, we may not be as incentivized to invest in what we already have.
The collective trauma of the COVID-19 pandemic, violent geopolitical conflicts, potential nuclear attacks, and a pending recession may have burned us all out. We are exhausted and don’t have the energy to have honest conversations. After seeing numerous politicians, celebrities, and professionals get “cancelled” for saying the wrong thing, we might be more afraid of being bold.
If we’re not careful, this could distort both the workplace culture and the work-life balance that quiet quitters claim to want to preserve. Simply put, you risk making honest conversations a thing of the past.
Standing up for ourselves and having honest conversations are essential social skills that pay off in our careers and relationships. Building resilience is rewarding and can lead to better results in the office and beyond.
The next time you’re tempted to be “quiet,” think about speaking up instead.
Sign up for the characteristics of fortune email list so you don’t miss out on our biggest features, exclusive interviews and investigations.
