We are constantly told to talk about our mental health issues and to avoid holding things back. While bottling is definitely not a good strategy for good mental wellness, sometimes it feels easier. Not talking and keeping everything in order means that you can feel very alone and isolated when dealing with your problems.
However, sometimes when I talk to other people about my problems in an attempt to cut the pressure in half, I get reactions that are more damaging. I know I am not alone either, as I have spoken with many dealing with this double-edged sword.
There is nothing worse than opening your heart only to receive responses like “you are dramatic”, “you are sensitive”, “you seek attention”, “you are making it seem more than it is”. , “calm down” – the list goes on. Normal people do not have to be experts in the art of talking to those who suffer, but it should be common sense that these answers do not help. As someone who suffers from anxiety, a disorder where I constantly overthink everything I say and every action I take, it’s very difficult to get to the point where you feel comfortable talking to another person about these topics.
Many men will not feel safe speaking openly about their genuine feelings to others.
For me it’s a little bit easier because I feel more comfortable after having dealt with these problems all my life. Saying that, not everyone feels so comfortable doing it. For example, being a writer, I can find the words to describe how I feel, but some people don’t know how to put what they feel into words. They fight hard to get it out, so getting responses and reactions like this is just disappointing. It would make you wonder why you even bothered to open your mouth. Beyond finding the words, some people have not yet reached the point where they have identified it as a problem or received a diagnosis. Or maybe they just don’t feel safe sharing their feelings with another person.
Alternatively, they may be afraid to admit how they feel for fear of appearing a certain way. In the case of men, an image has been painted that they need to be strong and never have problems. Therefore, many men will not feel safe speaking openly about their genuine feelings to others. Sometimes men fear that it will make them look weak or threaten their manhood. For example, Priory Group surveyed 1,000 men in 2018, and 40% said it would take self-harm or suicidal thoughts for them to actually seek professional help.
‘He’s not doing well’
There are also various barriers for women, for example, the fear of appearing sensitive or showing that you are not doing as well as your other colleagues. Unfortunately, this often results in suppressing emotions, and as many of you will know, suppressing these types of emotions is not a great strategy. Repressing is essentially avoiding airing how you really feel.
Growing up with mental health issues, I kept a lot of what was going on to myself, mainly due to the age when mental health started to affect me. It felt awkward and scary to talk to other people my age about it because I was getting thoughts like “would they understand?” Plus, at an impressionable age where everyone is trying so hard to fit in, I’d think “Would this make me an outcast or a freak?” and even “Would they tell other people?” since at this age, gossiping and sharing other people’s secrets almost gets you points. But suppressing these emotions does not make them go away. Rather, they can further enhance the emotions you feel. I remember suppressing my anxiety when I was younger because being frantic and nervous 24/7 was not okay. It felt embarrassing to be shaky or blush, not to mention having a panic attack.
I looked for other ways to deal with what I was feeling, and this resulted in addictions and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I suffered from an eating disorder
The truth is that a problem shared is a problem cut in half, so the reality of doing this was that I felt really alone. The negative thoughts and feelings were much more intense and strong, and it wasn’t long before my mental health began to affect my life in all aspects: home life, school life, social life, and more. On top of that, I looked for other ways to cope with what I was feeling, and this resulted in unhealthy coping mechanisms and addictions. As a result, I suffered from an eating disorder in my early teens. There is a lot of stigma around eating disorders, that they are a lifestyle or simply a fear of gaining weight. For me, it was really a means of feeling in control, as I couldn’t control my own chaotic feelings and what was going on in my life.
While I felt like I was in control of something at the time, my feelings became even more chaotic as I wasn’t providing my body with regular food or nutrients. Therefore, I felt even more anxious and began to experience a lot more depressive and suicidal thoughts. Another unhealthy coping mechanism I developed was self-harm. This also became an addiction for me as once I finally got help it was hard for me to stop. Having been intensely bullied and tormented, I self-harmed to try to work through the emotional pain. While this was my thought process at the time, self-harming just made me feel like I had to hide more from myself and almost made me hate myself more because I was hurting myself. Another way that holding back really impacted me was by making me overreact to almost everything.
personal attack
Since there was so much suppressed emotional turmoil, I struggled to cope with any stress besides what I was feeling and overreacting to. Someone would say something so small to me and I would see the negative and take it as a personal attack. That sadness and worry inside would fester and come out as anger. It was a sign that I needed to vent. Repressing emotions only makes things worse; it feels like you’re fighting alone because of what you’re going through. However, to encourage people to talk openly with someone they trust about their mental health issues, the answers need to change, and people need to learn how to communicate with someone who is struggling.
Talking about our pain means that we must first acknowledge our pain, which can initially make us feel worse.
Keelin O’Dwyer, Head of Counseling and Wellness at Fettle says, “When we fall and then cut or scrape, we have to re-cast the wound within a week or more to help it heal. Re-casting a wound is very unpleasant because it means that we have to reopen it. But in the end, the wound heals and we feel better doing it. Restoring a wound is a lot like opening up our struggles to others. Talking about our pain means that we must first acknowledge our pain, which can initially make us feel worse. We may also hear unhelpful comments from others, leaving us feeling invalidated and overlooked. However, if we choose kind and caring people who we can trust to open up, even though talking may be uncomfortable at first, it will benefit us emotionally and mentally in the long run.”
She adds: “If you are supporting someone who is struggling, my advice would be to acknowledge the person’s pain and respond with kindness. So you can acknowledge pain through compassionate words like ‘That’s hard’, ‘That sucks’ or ‘That’s a challenge’ – choose a phrase that comes naturally to you. The second part, responding with kindness, is offering help that fits the person’s needs. Ask questions like ‘How can I help?’ or ‘Is there any way I can support you through this?’ can be beneficial OR just letting them know, ‘I’m here for you if you need me’ can go a long way in helping someone feel cared for during a difficult time.”
Given O’Dwyer’s insights, it’s vital that when we talk to people about their mental health issues, we strike a balance between logic and validation of their feelings.
