By Megan McCarthy
Megan McCarthy is an active member of the community who has lived in Flagstaff for six years. She spends her free time supporting other parents who have lost their children through an organization called Helping Parents Heal and speaking about the importance of mental health awareness. She also volunteers at suicide prevention and awareness events across the state, including the Community Walk Out of the Dark in Flagstaff.
You are not alone. These are the words I will spend the rest of my life repeating to all who will listen. You are not alone in your pain, in your sadness, in your bad day, in your anxiety. What in our society has made us think that we are always supposed to be perfect? We have false expectations that make us think that we need to feel happy and complete all the time. What matters is understanding that it is okay not to be okay! Our bodies and brains were not designed to always be in a state of joy and perfection. We are complex beings who are in direct response to our environment. We are meant to learn and grow and do so with the support of those around us. We are not born with everything figured out. We need tools to navigate mental health just like we need tools to navigate physical health.
Why do I want to share this message with the world? Because my amazing son Lane lost his life by suicide at the age of 23. This opened a hole in my heart that will never heal. He was a young man who lived a full life with many promises for his future. He and his new wife were raising their beautiful 1-year-old daughter, Malia. He was working at a popular restaurant as a line cook, which set him on the path to fulfilling his dream of becoming a chef. He lived by the ocean on the beautiful Hawaiian island of Maui. He was living the life he wanted, but he was hiding. He was hiding a deep secret full of shame.
This shame was his mental health that had taken him on a roller coaster ride. We knew that he has some problems with depression and mania, but he hid how deeply these problems affected him. He was deeply ashamed of being defined and ridiculed for his mental health issues and therefore hid the full weight of his struggles from himself. This fear of stigma cost him his life. What Lane didn’t understand is that no one in his life would have looked at his struggles with anything but love and compassion, that if he really revealed his secret, we would have surrounded him with acceptance and understanding.
What did I do wrong? I’ve asked myself this question over and over again, and I could spend my whole life trying to find an answer. But sadly, the answer wouldn’t change the reality that Lane is no longer physically with us. What I can ask myself is how can I have an impact now? How can I help just one person feel different about their mental health issues? The answer is to talk about it! Make it normal to feel uncomfortable and vulnerable with each other. Share with others and listen. Learn to sit with our feelings instead of wanting them and pushing them away.
So, I am here to tell you that you are not alone in your struggles. There are kind people all over the planet who understand. You are not a burden because you have feelings, need help, or want understanding. You are important and you have an impact on those around you. Don’t be ashamed of your mental health problems. If we all speak up and share our challenges and stories, we can break the stigma. We can be the voice that changes the future. Join me in the conversation!
