Hello! You, yes, you, the person desperately trying to avoid eye contact with me. Welcome to New York Fitness! Have I seen you in the gym before? I do not think. You look new: a little restless, a little confused, uncomfortably full from your last meal. Like a lost bear who scavenged through the garbage at too many campsites. You have a look that says, “I’m the kind of person who keeps chocolate out of his reach, but then constantly gets up and walks over to him for more bites.”
What are you planning to do out there? The elliptical for twenty minutes? I understand, I understand. . . . What resistance? . . . Does resistance make it too hard to concentrate while watching “Better Call Saul”? . . . It is understood. . . . No, nothing. It’s just, you know, no each the day should be light cardio. Some days, it’s good to sweat. . . . Oh, don’t you like to sweat because you don’t want to have to wash your hair? It is understood.
Hey, did you know I offer private workouts? They come in packs of twenty-five. We think of that as two weeks’ worth. They’re expensive, but can you really put a price on not dropping dead at forty while eating leftover Chinese food, standing by the sink? It’s not that I’m saying your Do that. However, I have a feeling that it is. Also, there’s some lo mein stuck to your shirt.
Plus, you look successful enough to afford private sessions! What did you say you do, again? A comedy writer, wow! That’s great! What do you write for? Oh no, I haven’t heard of that show. . . . No, I haven’t heard of that show either. But I don’t really watch TV. I focus more on physical activities. However, Maddy at the front desk does stand-up comedy. I’ll make sure I stop you for a long talk about it on your way out!
Those are some great shorts you have on. I haven’t seen Umbros in years. I didn’t know they still made them! . . . No way, are they from high school lacrosse? No kidding, I thought that extra crotch hole was just a cool design, something kids are doing on TikTok. I have to say, I love how you don’t feel the pressure to wear cute, high-end gym clothes like all the other women out there. There is no shame in wearing shorts in your twenties! But you wash them a lot, right? . . . Oh.
Do you want to exercise on your own? Hey, that’s great. I get it, I get it. Some people are just here to watch Netflix and relax. However, I’m going to follow along and watch you do your thing, so I’ll be ready to step in when you decide you want to really work out. In the meantime, did I mention that I also offer post-workout massages? It’s three hundred dollars for fifteen minutes, but that’s nothing for a successful TV writer like you, right? What was that show you said you went back to work on? . . . No. I never heard of it. ♦
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