Today I have PTSD from yesterday’s verdict and the response of 45. I was diagnosed with it by a licensed therapist about six years ago. (Depression diagnosed more than 20 years ago).
I was raised by a covert narcissistic mother. I was never, never good enough. If he felt strongly about something she said or did, he was too sensitive. They burned me with gas constantly. Let me share with you a situation.
One of my mother’s brothers sexually abused me when I was three years old. I buried it because we saw them every two weeks growing up. When I was forty years old, everything came about after intense therapy. I shared with my mother and father that he sexually abused me, where it happened and when. I never went into detail about the sexual abuse because it made me want to vomit.
Later in my life, my mother calls and is very excited. They made a down payment on a house in the same retirement area where the abusive uncle lived. To say he was numb is an understatement. It was about his happiness, you see. Three days later, she calls me and asks if it would be okay if they ran into him. “Whatever.” “I got over it.” When I really wasn’t, but I was trained to never defend myself. It’s his way or the highway. Make mom happy and things will be fine (she was just never really happy).
They move and she continually told me all the social places they went to. My dad played cards and golf with the abusive uncle every week. Don’t forget, I was trained since he was a baby to never fight back. I would ask you not to talk about him. That never worked for long. I ended up obese and had a gastric bypass in 2009. Talk about feeling full! (For anyone who hasn’t experienced this, I heard it already. Why not just end the relationship? With narcissistic parents it doesn’t work that way.)
This is the part that I think many children of narcissists can relate to and relates to why I have PTSD today.
My dad dies. My mother returns to our area. After a lot of therapy and realizing that my father played cards and golf with the abusive uncle for years and that my mother abused me by always talking about him, I ask my mother “did you ever feel uncomfortable with my uncle?”.
Their response was that sometimes they felt uncomfortable but they just thought it was “touchy.” I challenged her on that. Is feeling sensitive okay? Her next comment was “you never told us the details!” When I started to tell her, she stops me. It’s too much for her to hear. She then says, “Why didn’t you tell us NO before we moved in?”
This is DARVO at its finest. Deny, attack and reverse the offending victim. Deny that something serious has happened to me. Attack me as the perpetrator of my own problems. Then they become the victim because I didn’t tell them “no.” My mother died when I was 63 after I stopped calling her for……only two months of my life. I couldn’t take it anymore. That was only eleven years ago.
I cried yesterday when Trump was found guilty. I’m tired. I’m turned on. He will destroy everything we hold honorable and dear. Democracy. The Constitution. The rule of law. Our intelligence community. Possibly even us if we had the chance with his lackeys.
Trump was convicted yesterday on 34 counts. It’s true. It is real. He leaves the court and attacks the judicial system for being rigged. He attacks the judge. He attacks Michael Cohen. He will attack the jury if anyone gives him his name. He will continue that attack because, as a malignant narcissist, he will never be guilty or responsible for anything he says or does. Like my mother.
Anyone else want to comment below how this has impacted their lives. I would like to know that I am not alone.
