By March 2020, my well-being had continued to deteriorate to the point where I thought ‘everyone else would be better off if I weren’t here anymore’. I felt that everything was on top of me and everything collapsed. I needed someone to help me. I was Googling emergency counseling services and the Samaritans kept coming up. But I ruled it out because I didn’t feel actively suicidal. I thought Samaritans was for people who were really at risk. I felt that I didn’t want to be here; not because I wanted to kill myself, but simply because I thought everyone’s life would be easier if I weren’t around. But after reading the material on the website, I realized that I could turn to Samaritans for emotional support.
I spoke with a Samaritans volunteer named Deborah, it was like they heard me for the first time. After 27 years of pretending to be someone I wasn’t, they weren’t just listening to me, they were listening to me. Being able to talk to someone totally unbiased about how I felt made me feel so seen. She never told me what to do, but she gave me the tools to figure out what to do for myself. I have no doubt that she saved me that day.
After that I sought out talk therapy. months in therapy It gave me back a foundation of resilience. Before that, the slightest inconvenience would push me over the edge. I’ve been on antidepressants for quite some time and am still in therapy. It is very important that you control yourself, as we can all put on a wonderful mask. For anyone struggling, it can be scary to verbalize things that cause anxiety and distress. But sometimes when you say something out loud you take away its power and going to the Samaritans is a safe place to do it without judgment.
It’s hard to pinpoint the exact moment I realized my marriage was over. I just remember one day I came home and I was about to put the key in the door and I thought, ‘I don’t want to go back in.’ Covid happened and made things very difficult for everyone. I left my partner and went back to live with my parents, who are my best friends. I started the process of coming out and getting comfortable with who I am and finding out that it was okay for me to identify as a gay woman and not fit into a box of how I should look and act.
I can’t even put into words how much my life has changed. I met an amazing woman who is now my wife. In April 2022 we got married on a beach in Florida. When I think back to that time in my life, I just want to hug the young girl that I can see she was suffering. I was a shell of who she was. Even my mom tells me, the light inside you had gone out but now when I look at you, the light is back. I look in the mirror and think, I know her.
I have a future. It’s mine to do it and it’s the most incredible feeling.
If you have stopped doing things you normally love, are tearful, are not eating or sleeping well, are withdrawing from people close to you, are using alcohol or drugs to cope, or are self-harming, then talk to the Samaritans or someone in who trust. Samaritans volunteers are there, day or night, 365 days a year. Call free, day or night, at 116 123, send an email to [email protected] or visit samaritans.org. You can find more information about World Suicide Prevention Day here.
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