Before the birth of my daughter at the end of 2019, I was filled with excitement and anticipation. I knew there would be stress—midnight awakenings, early mornings—but balanced by joy and discovery.
What I wasn’t prepared for was the apathetic mental fog that enveloped me. When I returned to the office, it was almost impossible to concentrate. At night at home, all I wanted was to play video games and be left alone. And after the pandemic hit, a few months later, I sank into a pit of emptiness and self-loathing like I had never experienced before, even after a lifetime of fighting it. depression.
Do not misunderstand. I adore my children (we now have two) and I appreciate the time I spend with them. But becoming a father for the first time left me unable to feel anything other than exhausted and helpless. Although I had access to high-quality psychiatric care and never had serious problems at work, it would be years before I felt normal.
Perhaps to state the obvious: I am not a woman. I didn’t have to endure pregnancy or remove another person from my body. I never had to breastfeed or pump milk or endure the expectation of being a perfect mother. I’m ashamed to say it, but the psychic shock I experienced occurred even though my wife did most of the parenting.
However, the pain I felt was deep and much more common among men than you might think. While postpartum depression among women it is notorious and afflicts 13% to 19% of mothers, its incidence in men is much less known but also quite prevalent, affecting 8% to 10% of fathers.
As many new parents will tell you, the impact on your mental health It’s not a simple matter of lack of sleep. For years, studies have shown that women’s brains temporarily shrink during pregnancy and after childbirth, particularly in regions associated with social cognition. The effects of first-time motherhood on the brain are so profound that algorithms can easily differentiate between brain scans of mothers and non-mothers. The known (although misunderstood) The “mommy brain” phenomenon, in which new mothers report memory loss and problems concentrating, may be related to these changes.
Peter Saalfield
More recently, similar results have been identified in the brains of new parents. In 2022, a international study of new parents identified a notable reduction in the size of their cerebral cortex, the outer layer of the brain that governs higher-level functions such as reasoning, problem solving and memory.
Although these changes have been linked to a better ability to care for and protect a newborn in both fathers and women, they are not without danger.
One of the authors of the 2022 study, Darby Saxbe of the University of Southern California, recently published a tracking document showing that parents whose brains lost more gray matter after the birth of their child generally reported greater feelings of bonding and attachment to the baby, but also had higher levels of anxiety and depression. (Postpartum depression in men is often characterized due to irritability, anger, indecision and withdrawal from relationships, work and family).
These findings suggest there may be a “cost of caregiving,” Saxbe says Fortune. “The same brain adaptations that seem to help with becoming a parent are actually also related to psychological risk.”
In fact, as men have expanded their role as caregivers, they may have increased their risk of depression. In 1965, according to the Pew Research Center, fathers generally spent only about 2.5 hours a week with their children. According to recent studies, that number has tripled overall and quadrupled among college-educated parents.
“Becoming a mother has always been psychologically exhausting for women,” says Saxbe. It may be that as fathers take on an increasing role in raising children, the brain changes reflected in fatherhood “are also taking a toll on their mental health.”
First-time parenthood roughly doubles the risk of depression, says James Rilling, a psychologist at Emory University who studies parenting issues. Fortune. Parents who are involved with their children. typically experience a decrease in testosterone, which also increases the predisposition to depression. And work-family conflict is a common source of stress for parents that has been increasing over time, she says. Having previously suffered from depression, like me, is a major risk factor.
This follows the lived experiences of many parents, including mine. In 2019, an international survey of new parents found that 70% experience increased stress in the 12 months after the birth of their first child and 56% develop at least one “negative health behavior” such as do less exercise, drink more alcohol or gain weight. Over a six-week period, about six months after my daughter was born, I gained almost forty pounds.
Another 23% reported feeling “extremely isolated” and 20% reported losing “several close friends.” While women may have social structures in place for navigating the transition to parenthood (think “mommy and me” yoga), men typically don’t. I feel comfortable talking to my friends about mental health, but parenting issues are not a frequent topic of conversation. (I hesitate to admit it, but almost none of us read any parenting books, much to the dismay of our wives.)
Of course, the experience of parenthood is highly individualized. Before the birth of our second child last year, I prepared myself for another momentous experience. Never arrived. Although my friends had warned me that child number two makes parenting exponentially more stressful, I barely noticed the effect.
Saxbe says the stress levels associated with first-time parenthood and second-time parenthood may depend on which aspect of the experience you find most challenging. If the biggest obstacles for you are logistics and a busy schedule, the second child could be a bigger problem. But if the biggest challenge is the change of identity and social role, the first child will probably be the most difficult.
For men, the change in identity associated with becoming fathers can be a double-edged sword, he added. While research shows that women suffer a greater career penalty for parenthood due to the stigma against working mothers, there may be a psychological cost for fathers who want to participate in raising children because they must fight the perception that their Value comes from being the breadwinner.
“There’s a lot more emphasis on men finding value and identity through work,” Saxbe says, which can make it harder for men to feel that “the time they spend caring is valuable.”
Coming to understand my value as a father was an important part of my recovery. As I became more confident as a parent, my sense of agency began to return. As my wife and I learned to navigate our new relationship and find a common approach to parenting, I found additional strength and confidence. For me, learning to accept my new identity was as critical to my recovery as therapy and medicine. It is also vital to remember that an ounce of prevention can be a pound of cure. According to Jodi Pawluski, a neuroscientist specializing in postpartum mental health, parents-to-be must do a better job of preparing for the logistical and psychological challenges that come with parenthood. It’s not enough to know that your world is going to be shaken. You have to know how.
In other words, I probably should have read the parenting books. Or at least a couple.
“Educate yourself,” he says. “Communicate Talk to your partner about what things will be like after giving birth. You have a few months of pregnancy to prepare. In fact, learn some things, plan some things or at least discuss them.”
Although not all tasks have to be split 50-50, couples should be proactive in figuring out what works best for them. Planning questionnaires and other resources available through groups such as International postpartum support They can be useful tools, Powluski says. But there’s nothing better than good old-fashioned communication with your partner.
“Get on board, people,” he says. “Just talk about it.”
